I Want Her Back

I am linking up today with day ten's prompt for Blogtember.  Originally I had planned to make this a love letter to people. To all the people who made my family feel so cared for in these past months.  I went to type weeks but realize it has been much longer than that.  Time has seemed to have a warped sense of reality for me lately, it flies and yet goes so slow all at once.  I still plan to write that post about people (I have been meaning to for sometime now) but ever since posting the self portraits I have not been able to think about anything but that girl, the one in the picture.  I want her back. I want the girl pictured above back. And so I write this letter for her, I write this letter for me.

Dear Girl,
I love you! I am sorry it took me losing you to realize just how much.  I wish you hadn't gone away.  I miss your smile.  I miss the way it not only showed up on your face, but the way you felt it deep down in your soul. I pray that you will be back soon.

Your utter joy with the world astounds me.  You struggled, yet there was always something in you that sought the best.  I loved the way you said that everything would be ok and that you truly believed it.  I am sorry if that is not the case anymore.  I loved your optimism and your zest for life.  I miss your ability to believe that everything is not only going to be ok, but that it is going to be great.  I apologize that you now view life without that filter.  I am sorry that you now believe that life sometimes just is what it is. If I could give those feelings back to you I would.  Maybe we can find them together. But for that to happen I need to see you.  I need to feel you.  I need to know that there is a part of you that is still with me.

I want you back.  I want you to sing along to the radio at the top of your lungs, not to drown out the emptiness you are feeling, but because you find joy in singing along to a song that means something (or that just has an awesome tune).  I want you to watch a movie, or some corny reality tv show, and get crazy because it was a horrible ending that you had called all along but hoped you were wrong about.  I want you to be able to remember the movie days later because it was something you actually watched and not just some screen you stared at to pass the time.  I want your fight back!! I want you to get mad, I want you to have something mean so much that you have a reason to argue with someone! I want your sass back! I want you to care about the little things that drove you into a tizzy.  I want you to get upset when there are no garbanzo beans for your salad or when you realize you are out of Mt. Dew for popcorn night and the popcorn is already popped.  I want you to act like it is going to ruin your whole evening unless you have that Mt. Dew and pout so that Babe will go to the corner store and come back with five in hand (either because he loves you just that much or because he doesn't want to hear you gripe. I love how you always chose to believe the first even though you knew most of it was the latter).

I want to say thank you for holding on.  I want to say thank you for showing up and trying to make your face match what it always had. I thank you for the energy you left behind; it has helped to keep my feet moving and my body get out of bed.  I thank you for continuing to know that even though the picture may be a little different now, that you still look to a source higher than yourself and know that someday things will be better, that it just may not happen here on this earth.  I wish you continued to believe that would happen this side of heaven. But God did not promise us that we would not struggle, he did not promise us that we would not fall; thank you for continuing to hold on to the fact that He will catch you when you do.  Thank you for knowing enough of this world to know that there will be happy, blissful, wonderful moments. Please remind me, if you can, that they are all around me if I just look closely.

I just want you to know that I will fight for you.  I want you to know that though it may not seem like it right now I am looking for you.  I vow to not let you go forever, I wish we hadn't needed to take a break. You are amazing, you shine and you love so wholeheartedly that it often hurts.  Don't ever lose that!

Until we are one again,
Yours,
Melanie

A Self Portrait Inside and Out

I am counting today's post as a 2-for-1! I found it fittitng for the self-portraits to got right along
with the personality test. There has always been something about these photos that I have
loved (even though they are a tad old). Maybe because I find them so me? 

I'm posting... and it's not a Saturday.  Saturday's post got started but never happened.  On Saturday I planned to take this fun personality test for Blogtember, which I did. And then I planned to post the results, which I didn't.  So here they finally are.  

I am an ENFJ. And here is some of what the results said (most of them are pretty fitting)... 

"ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are. (Yes, this I know is very true. I enable, but I have learned to see if in a different light.) 

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. (The new j-o-bs are teaching me how very true this can be) Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability. 

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization (ummm? Organization?) and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs (oh, makes a little more sense now). Their offices may or may not be cluttered (cluttered, definitely cluttered), but their conclusions - reached through feelings- about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people (people have been my saving grace in many ways lately). Like most NFs, and Feelers in general, they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people (Oh heck! Not sure how fitting I find this but I guess my trust in people has been known to hurt me in the past). ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear."

There was a little more information given but I thought the first main portion was the most fitting. It was interesting to me to see certain things in a different way.  When it first said organized I figured something had to be wrong. When I kept reading though and understood what was being said, I realized how fitting it was and was also quite proud to thing of myself as an organized person (even if it is only internally).  

I also found it fun that Oprah was also an ENFJ (I love me some Oprah)! And based on the match up  that Jenni found, Dumbledore would also be an ENFJ. That he was my match was a little surprising, but rocked my Harry Potter loving socks! 

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Smart man that Dumbledore!

You Make Me Who I Am

Jenni's first prompt for Blogtember was Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

And for me, it just so happened that, I already had something in the works. One of those posts I had started and never finished. I figured today was the best moment try to give it a shot... The people in my life have shaped and molded me, this most recent time in my life is shaping me even more. I come from a family that loves and loves hard. But I also come from a family that is its own concoction of dysfunction. Which all families seem to be in some way or another. This is all a part of mine. 

I am and I am not...

I am the sister of an addict, but I am not.

I am not the sister of an addict because there is no addiction in heaven.

I will always be the sister of an addict because that is what I was taught to be.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy whose struggle was often greater than his resolve.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy whose light shone so brightly that his story will continue on.

I am the sister of a man; a man who learned what it meant to work for something he was proud of.

I am the sister of a man; a man who gave the best he could in order to love his little girl.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who was not born into but brought into our family, yet loved the same.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who should not have had to go through the life she has led.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who too quickly had to learn what it meant to be a woman.

I am the sister of a woman; a woman who stands strong and holds her world in her heart.

I am the sister of a woman; a woman who is working hard to be everything her daughter needs.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy who struggled to find his own way and his own place to shine in the wake of his older brothers choices. 

I am the sister of a man; a man who found that place and who is standing stronger than I had ever imagined humanly possible. 

I am the sister of a man; a man who is working hard to step up to the plate and who has forged ahead despite life's struggles. 

I am the sister of a girl; the sister of a girl who knows all too well what loss looks like. 

I am the sister of a woman; the sister of a woman who stands strong and carries on for herself and for those she loves.

I am the daughter; the daughter of parents who had to lose a child before any parent ever should. 

I am the daughter; the daughter of two people who are working on themselves just as their children are and that is a beautiful thing.  

I am the sister to brothers who have gone to war; one who chose to serve our country and one who fought a war within himself long before any of us ever knew. 

I am me. I am a people pleaser, some days it can be my greatest attribute and some days it is my Achilles heel. 

I am me. I am a product of the life I have led, of the people I have loved, of the people I have lost and of the future I am working hard to keep on track. 

I am a wife; a wife who is trying to be the person she needs for the man who has never once faltered, to the man who has put his own wishes aside to stand by her. And I will be better.

I am a friend; a friend to some of the best people any lifetime could ever ask for. A friend to people who have shown up, help me up, and kept me going. 

Everywhere I have been, everyone I have met, every factor of every part of my past has brought me to this place and helped shape who I am and it is those factors that will lead me on from here, one day at a time. 

Everything above is part of me. There may be parts that are harder for me to look at but they all make me who I am. I am learning to accept that. I am learning to accept that the dark parts just make the brighter parts shine that much more. Yet, it is all just a part, because to sum up everything that us brought us to where we are would take us until the end of our days. 

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And on that note, I am going to end with this prompt, just because my brain feels like ending things a little more sunshiney. If you could take three months off from your current life and do anything in the world, what would you do? 

This one was pretty easy too, because just the other day I sent Babe a text that said... "Let's just be like Minnie and Mickey, move into Disney and forget the outside world." Typically he would respond with some, "you are crazy" type thing and I would be left to roll my eyes. But this time he responded with "I wish." So, I decided that was making progress and maybe I could make it happen someday. Anyways... I would totally do that. I would move into Disney for a month. Right into the castle. Live there and frolic in all of the "forget the world" Disney glory. Then, I would rent an RV and road trip the USA for the next two.  I know it isn't some big, grand, fantastical sounding plan. But it's mine and it's simple and right now simple is right where I would like to be.  

Saving Saturdays

This has not a lot to do with this post, except that I love her little face and it makes me happy, so I figured it was a good start. 

It's a Saturday. I haven't been here in forever and I have so very much missed this place. It is also September and when I saw Jenni's challenge, I thought, "Oh I so want to partake." And yet I knew, realistically, that it was just not going to happen. I was also hoping to stay on target with the Whatever Wednesday ladies. But life has done that thing is tends to do and has thrown curve ball after curve ball. And in the matter of a few weeks I went from working about 5 hours a week outside of the house, to over 50. Which leaves me with less time for this place. But sometimes life is funny like that because I realized, in the time that I have tried to spend on here when I can find it, my mind can still not let itself focus on writing about anything but my brother and some things are just not in the place (or maybe I am not in the place) that they should be for me to hit publish. I have written so much and left so much of it unfinished because I don't really seem to know how to put an end to things these days. 

It is funny to me how work has now become such a vital part of my moments. God knew that I would need the distraction. My days are so full it leaves less time (or no time) to focus on places my mind would go if it could. And then Saturday rolls around and I'm left with too much time. And so Saturday is going to be my 'here day'. Because last Saturday can not happen again. I started it off by deciding to watch one Harry Potter movie, which turned into three, which turned into not leaving the bed. The rest was probably needed for my body, but it was also painful for my heart and soul. I know my mind needs that time to process but for right now I am choosing to let work and people be my distraction, so that I do not end up with the covers over my head everyday of the week. Today wanted to follow suit but I am determined to focus elsewhere. 

And so I am going to work on keeping up with some of Blogtember and my Wednesday ladies, Shay and Alissa (who are actually taking somewhat of a hiatus to join in with Jenni so that makes my life slightly easier). The posts will be sporadic, they may be out of order, but I shall try. So, if you wish to continue keeping up, today may have a lot for you to peruse. I am posting twice in a day! Yes twice! Check back in a bit, if you wish, for my response to these prompts... 

From Tuesday, September 3- 

Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

And from Wednesday, September 4: 

If you could take three months off from your current life and do anything in the world, what would you do? 

Taking Granted for Granted

Last wednesday's post topic left my mind somewhat reeling. After I got done, the list of the things I take (or took) for granted just kept running through my head at warp speed and growing larger with every second. And then I thought, "taking something for granted is a funny term." Everything I take for granted is something that had been granted to me. It wasn't something I was born with, it wasn't something I really worked very hard to get for myself or something I work very hard to keep. Then when it really came down to it I thought, my entire life is something I was granted, every last bit of it. Everything is something that God bestowed upon me for whatever purpose He had in His intentions for making it a part of my life.

I thought, "God grants us things and in that granting we are already taking those grants for granted."

How is it that the word granted has such opposite meanings. A grant is a gift. In the granting of something from one person to another we are given something... usually something precious, at least something that was/ is precious to the person granting it. Yet to take something for granted, we almost devalue its worth (basically like giving it back all while keeping ownership of it).  We take that thing or that person (even ourself) and in our own minds almost make it less than it is. We give is less of its original value. And it is not as if that thing ever really lost its value, it is still just as worthy as it always was, we just have to except it for what it really is. We have to value it for the true gift that is being given to us in the granting. Taking something for granted is like opening a gift, looking at it and then turning our head to something else that better captures our attention. It's as if we are a child whose toy is not shiny enough; like taking an antique and trading it in for a cheap, mass-produced product that could be found on any shelf, in any store.

I no longer want to live that way. I no longer want to take the things so lovingly and painstakingly granted to me for granted. I no longer want to use the word granted in terms of the "taking something for it" but in the "these are the things I've been" type of way. I want to give only one meaning to the word granted in my vocabulary. I know that is is not going to be easy... since Wednesday I have already found myself taking small things for granted. I have found myself feeling let down for the way life has unfolded recently. Yet, I have also realized how many times I have been able to stop in the past few weeks in awe because of things in my life that I had so easily over looked before.

So today I will start this new terminology by sharing... 

Ten things that I have been granted through this experience 

1.) An awe for people & their love for my brother/ family (more on this in a post I have been working on)

2.) A better and deeper relationship with a girl who will ALWAYS be considered my sister

3.) My youngest brothers return from Afghanistan and the time I have gotten to spend  with him

4.) Seeing the innocence of a child shine through in some of the most adult situations

5.) Seeing the kindness of strangers

6.) An affirmation of the meaning of friendship (I would be so lost without it)

7.) Memories

8.) A deeper respect for my father and the man he is (actually for all the men in my life for that matter)

9.) A chance to take a better look at myself 

10.) A greater understanding for circumstances and struggles and learning about life

What about you? Anything you have been granted through the hardships in your life? 

Taking You for Granted

Today's Whatever Wednesday topic is to name something or someone that we take for granted...

I have taken many things for granted. Things I know I should cherish far more than I do. This life God has given me? I often take it for granted. However, if this question had been posed to me just a few weeks before I would have been able to give you a solid, hands down, no questions asked answer. That answer would have been Babe. I take him for granted all the time. In the little moments and in the big ones. I look at the amazing gift God has given me in a husband and I know that I should count my lucky stars that he is mine; that he is the one who comes home to me at night. Yet, I often find myself making him far less of a priority than I should. I know it, but more unfortunately I feel that he knows it. I think in the solid awareness of our relationship, I tend to focus on a lot of the outside things and people around us. I am constantly doing, trying, and putting other things first simply because I rest in the assurance that he is always there. I have been trying to fix this. I have been working on making sure he knows just how treasured he is and how blessed I know that I am to have a husband like him.

It is more important to me now than ever. Because when you rest in the assurance that someone in your life will always be there, you are left blindsided when they are not. I rest in the assurance that Babe will always be there because I know that he will never leave me. At least, not for anything on this earth. However, there are things greater than what is here and sometimes we don't get to decide when people leave us. Right now I can say without a doubt that life in general is the biggest thing I have taken for granted.

My family had known that John Wayne's life ending the way it did was always a possibility. Yet, he was John Wayne. He was larger than life and for some reason he seemed to have many of them. I think we took for granted the fact that he was not invincible. He had always seemed to believe he was. He has always lived on the edge and made decisions as if actions had no consequences, which may have been due to the fact that for him, a lot of the time, they didn't. We didn't know, we weren't prepared for what would be the ultimate one.  How many times had he pushed himself to the edge just to stay on this side? He broke his back and made it through, he walked up to deaths door and knocked (probably more times than we all knew), he asked to be let in. Yet death turned him away because that had not been the plan. I don't know God's plan, I don't know the purpose or the whys.  What I do know is that I took the nows for granted. I took for granted the fact that he would always be around; that he would always be here to fight with, laugh with, cringe at, and to just be my brother. It is in realizing that, that I now realize how much I ultimately take life for granted. I just expect that people will be here. I expect for life to continue as it has (even when I sometimes wish it would change) because that is what it has always done. I realize now the need to cherish it; to cherish the good moments and the tough ones. I know the need to love. I vow to take each day and make sure that the people I so easily take for granted know how much they each mean. I vow to always be thankful for the people God has given me because each of them have shaped me into who I am now. I am grateful for that and I am grateful for the time I have had and for the time I still have to make sure I count my blessings.

The Things That Get Me Through

I thought I would have posted some of the other things I have written before now but I haven't gotten around to it. I haven't gotten around to it because I have been busy getting through it. I have been in this place... 

surrounded by God given beauty and memories... 

John Wayne on the slide as a tiny kid... Fearless that one!

with these people. 

My family has been going to Big Canoe (in north Georgia) since I can remember. There are so many memories in this place. See this right here? 

John Wayne took me (ok, so it's not like he really had to twist my arm) traipsing straight through it one year when we decided to forge our own path down to the pools because mom told us she wasn't ready to take us yet. Rule breakers much?! The answer is undoubtedly yes! Babe and I have brought our niece and nephew here for the past few years. This year has been very surreal to say the least, but it has been somewhat healing. It was hard to imagine that John Wayne was supposed to meet us up here but it was nice to go through some of the memories about times I shared with him when we were growing up. It has been nice to have Kaley (his fiancee) here with us and for the two of us to get to talk and reminisce about John Wayne. 

 And these faces? These little people? 

They are what pull me through. They are the reason I can keep a smile on my face and laugh when part of me just feels like curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head. The "Aunt Mel's?!" and the "I want mints" and even the smacks between cousins sustain me. Especially when Makaylin comes out with an all too realistic rendition of her daddy and when being made to say sorry for hitting her cousin, pouts "I'm sorry" out the side of her mouth, all while smacking her again. I had to shut the door to keep her from seeing me laughing. Oh that child has so much of John Wayne in her. 

Even this...

gets me from one moment to the next. Why is she crying you may ask? Because I was trying to help her see something on the phone and she did not like that I was touching it. Word of warning... if you take something from the child you should beware of teeth or hands. She takes no prisoners. Being with these kiddos is the closest I come to feeling somewhat like myself (my preself). My friends help get me close, but with them there is less pretending I have to do. They stay by me, hold me up and let me be less like myself and sometimes that is just what I need. It's the people... the people, and the memories, and the promise of more, the promise of healing, the promise of one day at a time that continue to get me through.

Where to go from here?

I had wanted to get on and post a recipe, to share in the swapping of yummy food.  That is the place my mind went, "I just want to care about food", but I am just not in a place yet to wrap my mind around writing anything other than what I am going through in my life right now. And I have not been in a place where I can focus on putting elements of a meal together.  Since beginning this blog it has always been a place I have shared how I felt in the moment. Right now the best recipe I can give, or hope to look for, is a recipe that gives me the ingredients on where to go from here.  I don't know what they are. I think for me it may start with admitting to myself that if I want to actually post something, this blog will have to look a little bit different than it did before.  I had hoped to keep up with these Whatever Wednesday posts because I so look forward to them.  I like to stick to things I start and in my mind every Wednesday I think "oh, I should post today" but there are going to be days where it may be like pulling teeth to stay on topic. I have loved the topics that Shay and Alissa have come up with and I don't want to throw a wrench into the plans, so if I don't make it back for a bit, I hope to pick up again soon.

 If you have been following and had chosen to stay for the quirky, random, spastic posts that often find their way on here then you may not find what you have found before, at least not for a couple of weeks.  I have written many different posts since last week. Some I have considered publishing, others I have almost completely discarded because of the mess of jumbled emotions that I do not even want to have to read back to myself.  I have used the blank slate of a computer screen to try to record my thoughts, to try to figure out what is going on in my head, and to try to process what it is that will actually let me feel something other than nothing. Then there have been things I have read through that had been written long before this blog came about, things that I wrote in many different phases of my family's (of my own) journey through addiction over the past ten+ years. Some of the words are hopeful, some sad, many angry. The angry ones only seem harsh now and I don't know what to do with them.  I think to myself, I can't share that with anyone. Though a logical part of my mind (or really a good friend who helps me think logically right now) knows anger is normal, but another part of me now can't even understand it. I'm sure it will come, I am sure I will feel angry for all of this too. Right now though I am still just trying to figure it out. I hope that you will bear with me while I explore that some.  I think for now I am going to consider posting some of what I have written on here, to share with others some of our story; the prior parts and the new ones. I had always planned on sharing more about that side of my life at some point anyways, I just never knew it would be due to what has now happened. I thought I had plenty of time to get around to it without feeling like I was bombarding the world with what addiction looks like from the outside in, when you have a front row seat to a show you wish you could walk out of. I hate the fact that it has to be told from this side of my brother's life now. I hate that he is not here to read what I shared.  I can remember asking him not long ago if he was fine with me sharing how I felt. He was always a very open person and so I knew he wouldn't mind but I wanted to know if there was anything he wanted me to leave out (his answer was no). I also remember his reaction after he had a chance to read that first post I shared on the subject. I wish now there had been more I shared with him; more of the hopeful parts anyways. I pray that when I share them here, or write them down privately for my own purposes, that they find their way to him so he knows just how much hope there was, so he knows how much I love him. 

Our Middle

What have I been spending time doing? I have been spending time trying to figure it all out, trying to understand, wanting to make myself get on here and let it all flow through my fingers. So I sit down to write; something that I have so wanted to do in these past two weeks and yet something I have been dreading. I wasn't sure if I would post this at all. Part of me even briefly considered just giving up on blogging altogether... 1.) because I wasn't sure if I wanted to or even how to go about posting this and 2.) because I knew that I also couldn't go on blogging if I didn't write about it, because to just continue on as if the world was as it always had been was an impossibility. But so often I have wanted to come on here; to lose myself in someone else's space for a while and then to share in my own.  I knew I couldn't give this space up because this blog and this community have given me so much.  I have found solace, friendship, warmth and support.

I also found it strange that of all the weeks for the post topic to be about our biggest heartbreak that would be last week, in the week when the world dropped out from under our feet. In the week that I experienced my biggest heartbreak and devastation. My brother died last Saturday. It was sudden, it was unexpected, yet it was also something we have spent much of our lives dreading in the back of our minds. If you had read this post you may understand more as to why. These are words my dad had put down, that "although solid in his recovery, the beast that is addiction caused him to relapse one final time." Final is something that I hate having to use in my vocabulary. I don't even know how to grasp the concept of that when it comes to my brother. There is a part of me that wants to cry every minute or scream at the top of my lungs, but my body won't let me. There is a part of me that wants to feel angry, but I can't. A part of me that wants to feel that at  he is at peace, and while I know he is, I am not there yet. Instead, I don't really feel anything.  Not a numbness really, just nothing. There is such a large part of me that still doesn't believe it is real. A part of me that is choosing to do and plan and prepare so that I don't have to fully face the understanding of what is happening.  I don't know if that is best but everyone says that people grieve in all kinds of different ways. That's what they keep telling me anyways.

For now, I do not know what else to say so instead I will share with you what I had already written and read at his funeral...

There is a quote I read in a book by Sarah Dessen that says, “There has to be a middle. Without it nothing can ever truly be whole."

From the second I saw this quote I thought “well, yes, that’s definitely the truth. So fitting for my brother.” 

John Wayne, you were the epitome of the middle child, maybe because you had it coming and going.  During the week I got to play the oldest while Patrick was the baby. And there you were in the middle.  Officially you and I were supposed to share that role but when Jaclynn was with us I still think I let you go ahead and take it, since you never really liked to share much anyways.  And with your wit and charm made it all your own.

Though our family will never physically be whole anymore we will always be whole.  You will always still be there in the middle. In the middle of all of us.  We just have an extra bit of crazy with us now, which is fitting given we are and always will be "those crazy Fosters.” 

 

I don’t know if you knew this but sometime in the past year I started to twirl my hair.  I thought “well I have joined the crazy hair twirling side of the sibling group now”.  When I found myself twirling the hair on the back of my head (John Wayne did this so much as a kid his hair always stood straight up on the back of his head, no matter how much you tried to control it) in the car just a few days ago I thought "oh man, I’m really in for it now." But it was nice, because now anytime I find myself pausing with my hands in my hair I will be able to stop and think of you.  I can still remember when you had that alfalfa pulled so tightly on the top of your head that when you shaved your hair off you had a huge bald spot back there because the hairs had just been magically stuck up in place from all of your incessant twirling.  It was a good look, but it will never beat the hair do that got you escorted out of chapel when we were at TCS.  

I can still remember the scene you caused walking in with your bright blond Eminem hair bobbing down the isle. Mimi had to come pick you up and take you to get it dyed back brown before you were allowed to return to school.  I can only imagine what she had to say when you walked in up there.  I can just hear her now, after she gives you a big hug, saying “Oh John Wayne!!” and then licking her fingers and trying to rub your tattoos to see if maybe they are just sharpie. Because, while I assume that God gave you a good little spit shine on some of those tattoos, mainly the ones you tried to give yourself, he also let you keep a good majority of them.  You would be one who would make it into heaven with most of his tattoos still lingering. I know you got to keep the one for May May.

John Wayne, please know that she will always know you and that you will always be a part of who she is and that we are blessed to have one of the best parts of you here with us.  It’s not as if we cant see you in her already.  She was beat boxing to me and Wally just the other night. She definitely has a good bit of her daddy in her. And while that may scare some of us, we know that she will be alright.  Because when that wild hair of a two year old becomes a wild hair of a young adult she will have the best of both sides of this world in her corner. You could not have picked a better person to be the mother of your child and she will have Kaley to look towards as an example, but she will also have you up there helping God keep watch over her wild ways in order guide her feet to a solid and steady foundation with which to walk from.  

I love you.  We all love you and you will always be with us, because you are our middle!

Men are cats, REAL men are dogs!

Today on Whatever Wednesdays... Girl Code!

I watched this show with Wally once and thought to myself (or said out loud to be more exact) "What in the world is this craziness?" And then I was hooked and we watched like three straight episodes. She's was just like... "It's Girl Code, duh!" So since Shay would love for us to share some girl code of our own I am going to start with the lovely subject of men and what mothers sometimes say about them! So here goes Melanie's girl code...

ON MEN!
"Mother always said, never trust a man who tells you to trust him." - Wisegal (Lifetime movie)
Well, that mama's been around awhile and she knows her stuff! A man tells you "Come on girl, you can trust me" then girl you run the other way!! Kick your shoes off, grab them in your hand, and haul booty. Ain't no reason to play around with that.  And if you find yourself in said situation with said man, you must keep a friend around for back-up. Because we all know how charming "trust me" can sound in the right lighting. True story: Wally and I are finishing up an evening downtown and go to walk her dog (she lived right across the street from the main park in the middle of our downtown area) when we overhear a guy trying to coax some girl to come with him. Red flag #1. We do think this girl may have known this dude, but either way... girl's friend is trying to pull girl down the street in the opposite direction. Girl is not going all too willingly and is instead stopping to hear this guy out while the guy is trying to persuade the friend that it is fine to let this girl go with him. At this point he is getting frustrated and barks at the friend that she can trust him and tries to pull the other girl with him. At that point I decide to just shout "run girl, run the other way" (I don't know what came over me, but I think Walls and I were in the middle of our own man discussion and I was in the heat of the moment). So what does this girl do, she says, "what?! Oh ok!" and literally starts to run the other way. The friend nods us a thank you while the guy gets clearly perturbed and tries to get the girls attention back (she didn't run very far). He must have assumed that the girls were with us because he tells the friend to "go with the other Jackie" (whoever that may be) while pointing towards us and trying to get her to leave her friend with him. Ultimately I think the friend was going to end up winning this situation but after a few minutes of trying to to talk to this poor random girl we went back into Walls apartment.
Moral of the story: Girl, don't trust that player! He's got nothing that you want to put your trust in!

The type of men to trust: Dogs

Men are cats, REAL men are dogs!
I think I heard somewhere (maybe on Girl Code) that the men are dogs saying should be changed. I agree! Though I do not have a dog of my own I had one growing up and this one is growing on me. Dogs? They are loyal, protective, there when you need a cuddle, and can truly be your best friend! They are loving and will have your back at all costs! Trust the dog men! Do not trust cat men. I have a cat. I love my cat! But here is what I have learned about them. Cats are self absorbed, run around your feet whining, mouthing off and begging for attention, if they don't get their way you will be sorry, and they only want you around if there is something you can offer them. Protection? Heck no, they would drop you in a second if some stranger came along and offered any kind of affection (either that or just run right out the door the second it is opened). While I do not think many real men still exist, they are out there. The one living in my house is living proof and though he is off the market there are others like him out there waiting for a good girl to come home to.
Moral of the story: Say no to cat men!

ON GIRLFRIENDS
We have each others backs... period! No ifs, ands, or buts! 
1.) The world is tough enough without us being shiesty to one another! 
2.) Do not take another girls man! 
3.) Never let a relationship ruin a friendship! Play nice and learn to get along!  

Moral of the story: Be a chick, not a dude... bro code = no code! 

ON BEAUTY
Play with fire and you might get burned!
This is a literal connotation of the term. The sun is a big ball, made of boiling hot, hotness (let's call it a burning hot fire ball shall we?). Man invented this lovely thing that we call sunscreen.  Before that, God made people and he made some more fair than others. He also made some smarter than others. If you believe that your skin tans different in different areas, well then I think you may occasionally be correct. So there you sit, on the beach, feeling like the top of your thighs are getting burnt and already look darker than the rest of your legs. So what do you do? You put sunscreen just there! You leave the rest of your white legs exposed to the sun, since you are only going to be out for another hour after all. Later in the day, after your shower, you notice a very definitive line down the side of each thigh. Your thighs now look like Bella, while the entire rest of your legs look like Beyonce (or close, you can dream girl, I'll let you)... we shall call this a leg mullet (whiny girl thighs, fierce party calves).  I'm not really sure who you are but it's ok girl, it happens to the best of us. P.S. ouch my calves burn!
Moral of the story: Just sunscreen your whole body dummy! Or let it all fry... but we must have balance!! 

Ok so I don't really know if you were lookin' for all of that but it's... 

 and I do what I want! 

What's your girl code mood at the moment?!