Help, I'm Living with my Husband!

Why does it feel to me that the topics for this challenge seem to fall on just the right - or wrong - day depending on the way you look at it?! This is going up a little later today because 1.) when my mom called to see if I wanted to do lunch I jumped at it in order to get away from the blank screen I was staring at trying to figure out a way to put my thoughts into words and 2.) after said lunch I walked through the aisles at Barnes and Noble and ran my hands along pretty new books because I needed some soul soothing. Now that my must read list has grown significantly and my brain is more focused (even if only slightly) I will try to share something I am struggling with.

*I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem jumbled and my words all over the place.  Change (even good) has a way of putting tightening hands around my brain and throat making both thinking and breathing just a tad bit harder. 

I am struggling with the thought of learning relearning how to live alone with my husband.  I am struggling with the fact that my life is changing. This change is a good thing; logically I know this, irrationally I just want to resume the craziness I have been living in and swim in it.  I hate change so much that I can hold onto chaos and craziness like it is a lifeline that will keep my head above water.  I am learning that it goes hand-in-hand with a chaos I lived in during my formative years, but that's a different story.

My brother-in-law has lived with us, for pretty much, going on two years now.  We have had some great times, we have had some rough times, and we have had some of that just living life stuff. We kind of had a Harry, Ron and Hermione thing going, except sometimes I think I was Harry and the two of them were Ron and Hermione (it's a strange brotherly bromance thing; I embrace that). However, this has meant that for two years I have had an extra body around to talk to.  I have had another person around to play off Andrew's grumpiness when it comes to school work. It has been a three person household and I had gotten used to it.

I now go back to what Andrew and I were pre-roomate and that has been so long ago now that I can't even remember.  I know it was calmer, I know it was more consistent, and I know it was more grounded but this craziness has become such a part of my life that I don't know what to do with it gone.  You see Oliver is a lot more like me (which also means we can butt heads easier) than Babe is.  I am not sure how I found him but I think Andrew has to be one of the only non-crazy souls left on earth! I truly believe we all have some amount of "cray" in us, yet Babes is very hard to find.  His motto? "I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly so all is right in the world." What I wouldn't give to have that mentality and not worry over every little thing that life throws my way (I'm trying).  I have this way of living life either in the clouds or five feet under water.  Right now I feel like I am constantly moving between the two and have no solid place to rest my thoughts.

I know that having my husband and my household back to "normal" is good.  I know that we need to get on with the life we had envisioned (whatever that was) and that it is good that Oliver will be living his life out on his own as well.  Yet I can't help but feel this sense of loss, even if it is just a loss of craziness (trust me when I tell you that these last two years have seen their moments).  How do I begin to go back to "grocery-shopping-date-nights" and quite rooms? I guess it's all an adjustment process from here and I am sure that in the end I will look back at this and be thankful but right now the unknown road ahead just kind of makes me cringe.

Reading this back over I can't help but feel a little foolish.  This shouldn't be that difficult.  It just all came on so fast.  We were originally planning for August (after having originally planned for the first of next year) when all of a sudden it was this weekend.  Rapid change really has a way of throwing me for a loop! On Wednesday when we found out it would be this weekend, I was like "hey I got this" and then last night after helping Oliver unpack in his new place and coming home to his empty spot in the driveway I realized "Holy smokes, everything is different.  I am alone with my husband! Good gracious what the heck am I going to do?!" Yes, please feel free to laugh at the absurdity of that.

I am not really even sure how to end this post because when my life seems to be looking at what I assume to be an endless period of change I can go on and on and on... as if by continuing to "talk" my world will continue to stay as it had. So, I think I will leave you with this; if you finished this 'long-winded, you-have-no-clue-why-this-lady-is-so-freaked-about-living-with-her-husband' post then I applaud and thank you! And because I am feeling nostalgic enjoy some pics from one of those greater moments together (ski trip to Colorado in January of 2012).