Questioning Myself

I am joining Erin at Living in Yellow in answering the following questions.  Some of them were a little more difficult then others.  Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!! 

1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?

Not that long ago I would have said about the same answer as Erin's but I have realized that I hold on too much to what I could have done differently.  I am an over-thinker and a what-ifer and it was beginning to get in the way of my life.  So I have stopped (for the most part) asking myself that question.  Awhile back I had written the following... "If I had the chance to, I would go back and do it all over again, but this time, yes, I think I would do things differently. Is it possible to do that and still end up with the same future; still be right where you are?"  At times in my life I thought the answer to that question could be yes.  It can't be! If I had done anything differently I wouldn't be who I am, I probably wouldn't be married to the man I am married to (if married at all) and I wouldn't be in the place I am now.  I have learned to embrace that and be content with that and realize that there is a reason things happened as they did, because things are as they should be.  I think if I did have to pick one thing it would have been to have spent more time learning all that I could from my Mimi, because that would not have changed anything other than to make me a stronger woman and to give me more time cherishing her.  

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Oh man! 5 years from now?  I see myself content (happy).  I see myself loving the life that has been given to me and learning how to embrace it.  I am thinking there may be kids in there somewhere (my own).  I am hoping that my photography will have flourished and grown and that I will still be blogging.  I am LOVING both and I am hoping that I don't give them up, because I can have a tendency to let life sidetrack me.  

3. Do you honestly want kids?

Yes (though not for a bit)! Things got a little iffy there for a while if I am being honest.  My entire life I have never not wanted children.  Having children was always my main focus and goal in life.  Last year was an interesting time and I had a slight 'freak-out, how-can-I-bring-kids-into-this-world' break from my own reality.  I think that time in my life was needed.  It has taught me that children (though they can be a large focus) can not consume my being.  They have to be apart of my being.  I have to live and let them live and still embrace life outside of my children on occasion (we will see if I actually hold true to this haha), otherwise I will not be doing them, myself, my husband, or those around me any favors.  Life is a balance and it all has to even out.  

4. What has been the best moment of your life so far?

I have had a lot of great moments.  It is hard to decide on one.  For now, I am going to go with this evening right here.  

This was one of my first dates with Babe (our first movie date if I remember and I love the movies) but it was also the day that my nephew was born.  I had rushed to the hospital from school and was there when he came into this world.  Seeing a baby come into this world is a miracle and this is the first one I had ever witnessed.  I loved that little soul from the first moment I saw him.  After visiting and pictures I rushed over to meet Babe and some friends at the movie.  There was so much hope that night, so much happiness.  I can still remember the feeling like it was yesterday.  

5. What is your life theme song?

Oh my?! I feel like I would need a theme song ensemble...  It would definitely include some country music (I'm thinking "My Life's Been a Country Song" or "Love Like Crazy"), the theme song from Friends, maybe some Casting Crowns, it's gotta have a little Tim McGraw thrown in there, and some Reba too.  I am also loving the new "This Ain't My Mama's Broken Heart" song by Miranda Lambert; that whole "run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady" part ?! Yup, I think that's pretty fitting too.  I'm also going to add a little, "Don't worry, be happy" because I find myself singing that a lot.  Ok, I think I am done now.  

6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die?

I want to learn how to truly let things go.  I want to embrace life and not worry about things that I have absolutely no control over (give my worries to God). I would like to stop thinking I have control over them.  And motherhood, I would like to know what is like to have a life growing inside me before I die. Oh, and I would like to see my name on the cover of a book.  The question said "more than one thing" right?! 

7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be?

Being good to those God gave me to love... Being a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, etc. 

8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?

Cruise, I would cruise!! Someone take me now please?! 

9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life?

A few months ago I probably would have said the past year up until a few months ago has been a pretty good size challenge for me.  I asked myself more questions than I ever thought I would and some came back with unknown answers. However, looking back, as challenging as some moments were I have learned so much and I think I am a stronger person woman for it.  I think if I had to pick one moment though it would be the death of my grandmother.  I did not cope well. Oh how I wish she had been around this past year.  Just the comfort of being with her would have been enough to calm some of the choppiest days.  

10. Summarize yourself in one word.

Me personally (or at least the way I see my life sometimes): Chaos... but beautiful chaos (and not the appearance kind) 

I found a quote not long ago that I felt summed me up pretty well, "She is a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes." 

My life: Blessed, so blessed! 

*If this hasn't helped you realize it, I am also not a one word type of gal.  The whole just-one-word thing is very hard for me.  

Ode to my 17 year old self

In fitting with yesterday's post I thought I would share some of my own prom pictures. As I was looking at them it really got me thinking about the things I thought then vs. how things seem from this side of my life.  I was technically almost halfway through my 18th year when I attended prom but I am sticking with 17 because I remember thinking back then that 18 was the magic number with which I went from 'just some teen' to this 'I am grown, I can do it all' person.  Oh how untrue that was.  I was still in high school, I was still taken very good care of at home, and I was naive.  Young, naive, and basically 17 (based on the standards now of what my 18 year old self thought).  All of that led to what you find below.  

Ode to my 17 year old self

You think life is only going to exponentially get better and you think adulthood is some fairytale; Ha! Try again; life ain't no joke kid.  

You think that you will go off to college, be wild and crazy for awhile and then settle down; Ha again! You stay in your hometown for college (something you swore you would never do) by choice, you will get married as soon as college is over, after having spent the majority almost all of your college life acting as if you already were.

You think that after getting married you will start a family right away and all will even out and be as it should; Ha ha!! You actually partake in some of that crazy college-like life that you didn't have about a year after getting married and realize that while fun, life happened as it should, you personally didn't miss out on much and had you actually done said "full-blown-crazy-college-life" you would not be where you are (God knew what He was doing).  You will also realize that as much as you assumed jumping right into having said baby would be a wonderful idea you had to learn to be a good wife first.  Good wives set good examples for children down the road (or so you are now assuming).  And you now know to think, "Life as it should be? What does that even mean?"

You will not even think about the things you will have lost along the road to where you are; please make sure you have told the people you love how much they truly mean. 

You will find comfort in the fact that you think she knew how much you loved her, but it will not make missing her all the time any easier. 

You think that things have gotten as bad as they can get with issues involving your brother; I am really sorry (for him and you and everyone) that that is just not true.  There is grace thrown in there though. You will learn how to play your part and when it is time to just bow out and realize that the best help you can give is to not try to fix everything.  You will learn to focus more on yourself and the things in you that need fixing. 

You assume that because you have stayed on a pretty good path you won't be tempted by anything "bad"; Oh contrare.  You just realize that temptation takes on different faces and while at 17 you would have never considered certain things "bad" they can still be just as damaging to your world if you let them be. 

You think that there may be the possibility of marrying the man in the picture next to you; yay for you! This one actually worked out for you (though there were times due to your own ignorant head that you could have wrecked everything).  Thank heavens the person next to you was already well on his way to being a stable, level-headed man and not some dumb boy who would have actually let you let yourself just walk away. 

You never think about how much said man in the picture will teach you; Oh my dear young soul; things; profound things (and not just laundry).  Remember to be thankful for him and not to take him for granted.  You do it far more often than you should; stop!

Oh the list of things I could continue to tell you about yourself and who you were and who we have become.  We are still changing.  We do not like change by the way (at least for right now), though I think I remember you did (does that mean that 26 year old you is scared of 17 year old you? Oh help us, maybe it does).  So I guess for now that is all I will leave you with, but please remember to be grateful always.  You have never had it all that terrible (and that is an immense understatement). 

Nine years between proms!!

Over the weekend, we took this kid...


















turned this young man...

to prom!

It REALLY put things in perspective.  I am aging!! Oh my goodness, I know I am not that old but to think that this kid went from the little boy who introduced me to Harry Potter to this teenage-man-like-thing in the span of nine years seems crazy to me.  I mean that's nothing right? Isn't he supposed to still be little?!

Either way, it was something really special to be apart of (even though it doesn't seem like all that many years ago his brother and I were doing the exact same thing he did.  It was nine! NINE!).  What Queso (that's what I call him) and his girlfriend do not know however, is how close I came to prom stalking them.  Babe and I were discussing where to eat as we drove to drop them off.  Once we dropped them and they were out of the car I realized I had never been to a Benihana, which just happened to be at the hotel that prom was being held at.  I figured hey, now is the perfect time to go!  I think Babe may have gone for it... if I hadn't added that after we could sneak down to the ballroom and maybe catch a glimpse of KC (he has a lot of names, though he would prefer I call him Kevin).  Babe made no reply and just drove straight out of the lot.  When far enough away he mentioned that I was not allowed to relive my youth through my brother-in-law.  Oh well!  Though I like to think that was not my intention at all, I just wanted to see him enjoying my his prom.  My mom came to mine (she even danced with Babe). And yes, I know I am not his mother but he was just this lil dude and now he's this big dude and I wanted to see them enjoying themselves.  That wasn't too much to ask, right?!

A Thousand Lives

I have attended Hogwarts.  I have lived in Forks.  I have been to a reaping and I am Divergent. I have seen the end of the world and I have been there for the beginning.  I have walked through the Wardrobe and I have flown to Neverland.  I have felt the grief of a love lost and I have seen the grace in one restored.  I have walked in the Garden and I have been at the feet of the Cross.  I hope that I was one who wept and that I didn't join in among the scoffers.  I have lived many different lives and I plan to live many more.

The amazing thing about a story, be it fiction or non, is that we get to make a choice.  With every new story, or in some cases even a new chapter in the same one, we get to be whoever we want to be.  And the choice is ours alone.  Am I going to be a defender of the underdog? Will I be the leader of the pack or the trusty sidekick? Will I be a lone ranger and forge my own path?  Will I fight against evil and see good prevail? Will I stand firm in that decision even when goodness may not seem to be winning the battle?  Will I trust in the truth or be surprised when my friend (or an enemy) was really not what he seemed? Will I be the one who will always fight for love even if it means giving everything I have?

I have loved the quote at the top since I came across it sometime ago.  A good friend actually posted it for me recently saying it reminded her of me and the fact that reading that would make her think of me made me smile. It could be the fresh excitement of a new book that I can't put down or another visit with "an old friend",  each time I read something that truly captures me I am taken outside of myself and I am forever slightly altered.

How many lives have you lived?  Outside of your own which has been your favorite?

Things for Thursday

Thankful Things

1. I am thankful for much needed breaks from reality.  And for swings (I am a total "swinger")! You know the whole Peter Pan, never grow up, adventure thing?! The second picture there would be that part that lives on in me.  I stop for all tree swings; it is a must (even ones like this that hurt my feet and reveal my lack of strength by the inability to hold myself up)! And the first picture? That would be the lazy, old soul in me that enjoys basking in sunshiny glory with a book in my hand.

2. I am thankful for strength (even small doses of it) because I needed it was to get through Friday. At least I was rewarded with the above day on Saturday, despite the rain that Orlando newscasters had called for.  Strength was then needed again for those on Monday.  The events of which also make me thankful for the faith that can be found in humanity and the restoration that can be seen through the stories that come out revealing the best of people in the worst of situations.

3.  I am thankful for sunshine on Saturdays! My burnt back may disagree but the rest of my slightly tanned body and the vitamin D infused cells within it are very, very thankful!

4.  I am thankful for evenings spent like this...

a great friend to split the meal with and yummy tea! I am always thankful for yummy tea (and great friends of course)! 

Things I am loving right now
1. This book!  

It is a beautiful story.  Typically, I am not one for reading time period pieces but I am really captured by this story right now.  It mirrors the book of Hosea and although a fictional recounting, the selfless love of the main character, Michael Hosea, for the main female character is so tender, forgiving and true.  I read it and can't help but think of how blessed I am to be loved not only despite all the flawed and bruised parts of my heart but sometimes because of them.

2.  I am loving that the little girl I nanny for is reading Harry Potter! It is so much fun to enjoy them with her.  Our Wednesday afternoons can often be spent partaking in dramatic readings.  The kid is only 8 but she speed reads those things like it is nobodies business! And when she reads out loud to me she does the voices (we are working on our accents) and has perfect intonation.  She is genius I tell ya! I am loving that she will be is a read-a-holic and that the joy of a quiet afternoon spent with a book in hand is still very much alive in the next generation.

3. I am loving that because of her new love affair with Harry Potter I shall probably reread them again as soon as I am done with Redeeming Love.  She can only read through the fourth for now and I know I will just want to keep going.  So I think I have that to look forward to in my near future!

Which is perfect because I just got this pretty thing in the mail a couple weeks ago. I couldn't
find my original copy (so sad) so I ordered this one for her to read and then to  have one
to put in its spot of glory on the shelf! It's looking a little too "unloved" though so read it I shall! 

Any good things for your Thursday? What are you loving lately?