No, I can't! Sorry

Day 3 of Jenni's Challenge was things that make us uncomfortable and I think I will start my list of things that make me uncomfortable with this post right here.  I don't like discussing things that make me uncomfortable because, well, they make me uncomfortable (I don't like being uncomfortable).  Starting this blog actually made me a little uncomfortable because I do not like the fear of rejection and I won't lie, I do 'sometimes' care about acceptance and what others think.  My first few blog posts took me ages to actually publish because I literally ennie-meenied over them and if they were "ready".  I have since embraced the publish button and am quite content, even if I am my only follower.  I started this blog as a way to write and share my thoughts and even if it is simply an online journal I will be content in that because it is making me happy and helping me clear my head.

The following are other things that make me cringe:

- Saying no: I suck at saying no, even to things I really don't want to do.  It can make me feel guilty and anxious and I talk in circle trying to explain why I can't do something, be somewhere, help someone.  I think it's the whole fear of rejection thing.  Most of the time I just end up saying, yeah why not?! For reals, it's kind of an issue; along with making a decision.  That goes hand in hand with the discomfort I feel when saying no.  Be an adult, lady! Make a decision. Say no! No, no, no, no, no! See? I can do it.  Ok, now my palms are sweating. 

- Large crowds: Which is a somewhat ironic and new discovery but I have realized large crowds give me the willies.  I LOVE people, I enjoy parties and the occasional night out but get me into an unknown situation with large crowds of people and I have a slight freak out.  For example, don't catch me in a parade in the middle of NYC when I didn't even know there was going to be a parade.  This was when I discovered my discomfort with large crowds.  My reaction? Call my person (who was not in NYC with me) to bombard her with frantic "I'm freaking" nonsense and leave the rest of my group behind (Babe included) as I walked as quickly as I could through said parade trying to get to our destination which, by the way, was closed due to the parade! Oh man, the memories.  Who, in their rational mind, would leave their group behind in that situation? Oh, this girl! It wasn't one of those rationally minded moments.  

- International travel:  I don't know why but this has made me uncomfortable for a long time.  I am trying not to let it stop me from seeing the wonders of this world. 

       *Side-story: On a recent mission trip to Costa Rica, the three girls I was traveling with and myself, were to meet my friends brother at the airport (he heads a mission building wells in CR).  He would be waiting for us outside.  She informs that there would be a LARGE CROWD of people outside this INTERNATIONAL airport and we may not see him right away.  She said to just stick by her and it would be ok and not to freak if we got jostled, pushed etc.  I was in a little bit of a panic mode.  Well, we walked out of the airport and some of their security measures had been changed and the crowd was not as bad as her previous trip and we saw her brother right away.  I don't think I had ever been so glad to see her brother (or maybe anyone for that matter) in my life.  She laughed because I literally said an, "Oh, thank God, there's Blake" prayer as we walked out the doors.  

- Change: Blah, change!! It is a hard thing to feel uncomfortable about because it is unavoidable and happens often.  

- The unexpected: I think the majority of the above can be linked to this one major area that creates discomfort for me.  I think some people call it a fear.  I like to know what to expect!

And just for your enjoyment, if you would like instant cringe worthiness from me check this list
- The sound wet sand makes when you drag your fingers, toes, etc. through it
- Squirrels!! Those buggers FREAK me out.  I have been chased by one, stalked for food by two, and caught in the middle of a squirrel brawl at Sonny's, in which I knew it was only a matter of time before one jumped on my head in crazed attack mode.  That didn't happen, but tears did (the laughing/ freaking kind)
- Birds! Yes, birds.  These are almost as bad as Squirrels but not that bad.  Squirrels are freakin' tree ninjas!
Yes, feel free to think I am completely cray; sometimes I feel that way.  Good day! 

Some of Life's Words aren't so Sweet

I never planned to write about this so early on.  However, I am finding as I really explore this "new world" that there is a certain freedom in blogging.  Freedom for myself.  Freedom for my thoughts. Freedom for my feelings.  Writing has always been a source of expressing myself but the feeling of it seems a little different when I know someone else may potentially read what I put down on "paper".   Jenni's prompt for today really had my mind in a battle over what approach to take.  What is something I know a lot about? Or am "good" at? My plan for something I know a lot about had originally been to take a funny approach to being a "successful" housewife.  With recent events in my life changing (oh I love that word) yet again, the topic of addiction has been heavy on my mind.  Unfortunately, this is a topic I know a lot about.  Not my own personal struggle but the struggle of caring for someone who suffers under the weight of it.

This is a weight that doesn't only fall on him.  It is a weight that can also consume and devour those who love him.  My brother has suffered with addiction for what seems like as long as I can remember (and he is younger than me).  His dealing with his demons is his story.  This is mine.

 I am the sister of an addict.  I don't think is something you can be good at but being a good sister is something I am working on being good at all the time.

Caring for someone who suffers from addiction takes on many faces.

- Anger; there is was a lot of that

- Enabling; I have played my part

- Judgement; I still struggle to not throw stones

This list could go on...

However, there is also...
- Hope; even in the smallest of doses

- Redemption; because sometimes even each week could mean turning a new page

- Grace; there has to be or the battle would have been lost long ago

This list is sometimes harder to find and harder to add to than the other but this list grows too. 

Right now those faces change sometimes moment to moment.  His most recent relapse began yet a new season in this journey but I think it was the most important lesson I have learned so far.  For years I would step back from it, live my life and pretend that this was not something that defined me. While I still don't see it as a definition for my life it is something that has shaped me and defined who I have become.  Addiction, even when it is not your own, changes you. I didn't use to fear change, until things changed with the speed of an oncoming train and kept changing with each passing car.  I used to be a little more carefree, until I saw how riding that line can push you so far past it you can't find your way back.

Now though I am finding a new way to understand "knowing a lot" about addiction. Addiction is a disease, which is something I still have a hard time wrapping my head around.  I have always called it selfish, but it is not something I struggle with and therefore can't truly understand.  I have come to learn though that no matter how hard I may try it is not something I can fix.  Sometimes there is nothing I can do but pray.  He has to want to change.  I can support him, when he is sober.  I can be there to help, when he is willing to be active in recovery, but I can no longer intervene.  It doesn't help and it doesn't do him, me or anyone any good.  Trying to take it all on leads to damage, destruction and heartache.

As a hurt teen I was quick to anger, quick to hate addiction, quick to want to hate him.  It's a strange feeling to have so much hatred for someone you also love so much.  That anger comes up from time to time.  That is the fear, that is the human reaction.  Shooting jabs and lashing out on him for the pain it has caused me just precipitates more anger in the moment and leads to guilt later on. It's in those moments when I try to play the game at his level, "throwing punches" to save my own pride, that I really see the destructive pattern of it all.  In order to help someone who sometimes can't even help themselves we can't crawl in at their level and hope to rescue them.  We have to keep our hearts strong and offer the hand down because otherwise there would be no one to pull them up.  In the same respect I am trying to learn that the greatest lesson of all is that the most I can be is a helping hand.  I can not be his savior.   So for now, I will continue to offer a hand when he is willing to take it.  I won't pull him up with my own strength but with the strength that comes from knowing that there is a reason he is here, that there is more to his story (to the whole story) than just the seasons that he spends in the pit. God is not done yet. 

This is the Story of a Girl

Girl is born on December 18th, 1986.

Girl has a pretty idyllic childhood.  Runs wild and free, has her meals cooked, her clothes washed, her life pretty much taken care of.

Girl grows up a little quickly and tones down the rambunctious child when her family life takes a spin down a road called 'dealing with addiction'.  Girl tries not to wonder how her life would be different had her brother not dealt with those issues.

Girl meets boy! Girl thanks God for boy because boy has taught her so much.  Girl can't help but wonder how her life would be without boy; the picture doesn't look very pretty.  Boy has taught girl how to grow up and why, though at times it seems hard, it is important. Boy helped girl realize the need for self-control.  Girl has also learned quite a bit about the grace of God through boy.

Girl continues to grow-up.  Girl finishes first high-school, then college.  Girl nannies, teaches, goes back to nannying.  Girl is slowly becoming a woman.  Girl learns to pursue her passions.  Girl takes her hobby for photography to a new level.

Somewhere in the mix boy and girl get married, become husband and wife, buy a house, and work on building a life together.

Girl knows that everything along the way, the little moments and the big, make her who she is.  Girl is loving life as a young woman.  Girl is loving being content!

And this right here makes word 250!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ok, so I am usually not very precise when it comes to keeping to a word count and I didn't plan to be.  I knew if I was going to try to make the story of my life short I would have a take a different spin.  I didn't realize how close I would get.  When I finished with the "girl is loving being content" I was at 243 words (to my surprise).  I then figured lets get fun and make it exactly 250! Hence, that last sentence there.  I can usually be pretty long-winded, but thought I would spare you the nitty-gritty details.

Fashion? I Call it Peer Pressure

As I will be joining my favorite gal Jenni, from Story of My Life, while she encourages the blogging world to blog every day in May I am going to try to keep this post short and sweet.  I plan to get started on some of those posts because in my excitedness of joining in on the fun, I forgot that Babe has a surprise trip planned for our anniversary.  I will be gone almost an entire week in May and as I am new to the blogging world have never done the scheduled posts thing, but we are going to give it a try.

While I work on those please enjoy some outfit pics.  I don't have great fashion sense.  I call this entire outfit "What my friends made me wear".  With the exception of the shoes, this entire outfit was picked out by Wally (she is my person and when I win the "I am going to do a post about you" battle she will be on here) and her sister.  We were at TJ Maxx and she forced me to buy the entire thing (after forcing me to try it on).  Luckily the pants were only $15 and I think the top was $10.  I am quite the thrifty shopper (that's actually at the top end of what I will spend on an outfit)! The shoes were $6 at Target! I was quite proud of myself for buying those.  I texted a picture to Wally first though; she said they were a good find.  So I guess, from head to toe, she was my personal fashion consultant.

Meet Prim!  Yes, she is names after the Hunger Games.  It was originally
going to be Cat-niss but that was just too, well I don't know too what, but too
something. Prim lives outside now, though I sneak her back in on occasion and am
trying to convince Babe to let her in at night sometimes.  

I actually had a lot of fun taking these pictures, even though Babe got discouraged, announced "I am not the photographer" and then left me to finish the pictures with the self-timer.  Love him!! Anyways, I may do a bit more of these then I thought I would.  Though don't expect many.  It (aka I) doesn't often come together like this.

Questioning Myself

I am joining Erin at Living in Yellow in answering the following questions.  Some of them were a little more difficult then others.  Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!! 

1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?

Not that long ago I would have said about the same answer as Erin's but I have realized that I hold on too much to what I could have done differently.  I am an over-thinker and a what-ifer and it was beginning to get in the way of my life.  So I have stopped (for the most part) asking myself that question.  Awhile back I had written the following... "If I had the chance to, I would go back and do it all over again, but this time, yes, I think I would do things differently. Is it possible to do that and still end up with the same future; still be right where you are?"  At times in my life I thought the answer to that question could be yes.  It can't be! If I had done anything differently I wouldn't be who I am, I probably wouldn't be married to the man I am married to (if married at all) and I wouldn't be in the place I am now.  I have learned to embrace that and be content with that and realize that there is a reason things happened as they did, because things are as they should be.  I think if I did have to pick one thing it would have been to have spent more time learning all that I could from my Mimi, because that would not have changed anything other than to make me a stronger woman and to give me more time cherishing her.  

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Oh man! 5 years from now?  I see myself content (happy).  I see myself loving the life that has been given to me and learning how to embrace it.  I am thinking there may be kids in there somewhere (my own).  I am hoping that my photography will have flourished and grown and that I will still be blogging.  I am LOVING both and I am hoping that I don't give them up, because I can have a tendency to let life sidetrack me.  

3. Do you honestly want kids?

Yes (though not for a bit)! Things got a little iffy there for a while if I am being honest.  My entire life I have never not wanted children.  Having children was always my main focus and goal in life.  Last year was an interesting time and I had a slight 'freak-out, how-can-I-bring-kids-into-this-world' break from my own reality.  I think that time in my life was needed.  It has taught me that children (though they can be a large focus) can not consume my being.  They have to be apart of my being.  I have to live and let them live and still embrace life outside of my children on occasion (we will see if I actually hold true to this haha), otherwise I will not be doing them, myself, my husband, or those around me any favors.  Life is a balance and it all has to even out.  

4. What has been the best moment of your life so far?

I have had a lot of great moments.  It is hard to decide on one.  For now, I am going to go with this evening right here.  

This was one of my first dates with Babe (our first movie date if I remember and I love the movies) but it was also the day that my nephew was born.  I had rushed to the hospital from school and was there when he came into this world.  Seeing a baby come into this world is a miracle and this is the first one I had ever witnessed.  I loved that little soul from the first moment I saw him.  After visiting and pictures I rushed over to meet Babe and some friends at the movie.  There was so much hope that night, so much happiness.  I can still remember the feeling like it was yesterday.  

5. What is your life theme song?

Oh my?! I feel like I would need a theme song ensemble...  It would definitely include some country music (I'm thinking "My Life's Been a Country Song" or "Love Like Crazy"), the theme song from Friends, maybe some Casting Crowns, it's gotta have a little Tim McGraw thrown in there, and some Reba too.  I am also loving the new "This Ain't My Mama's Broken Heart" song by Miranda Lambert; that whole "run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady" part ?! Yup, I think that's pretty fitting too.  I'm also going to add a little, "Don't worry, be happy" because I find myself singing that a lot.  Ok, I think I am done now.  

6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die?

I want to learn how to truly let things go.  I want to embrace life and not worry about things that I have absolutely no control over (give my worries to God). I would like to stop thinking I have control over them.  And motherhood, I would like to know what is like to have a life growing inside me before I die. Oh, and I would like to see my name on the cover of a book.  The question said "more than one thing" right?! 

7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be?

Being good to those God gave me to love... Being a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, etc. 

8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?

Cruise, I would cruise!! Someone take me now please?! 

9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life?

A few months ago I probably would have said the past year up until a few months ago has been a pretty good size challenge for me.  I asked myself more questions than I ever thought I would and some came back with unknown answers. However, looking back, as challenging as some moments were I have learned so much and I think I am a stronger person woman for it.  I think if I had to pick one moment though it would be the death of my grandmother.  I did not cope well. Oh how I wish she had been around this past year.  Just the comfort of being with her would have been enough to calm some of the choppiest days.  

10. Summarize yourself in one word.

Me personally (or at least the way I see my life sometimes): Chaos... but beautiful chaos (and not the appearance kind) 

I found a quote not long ago that I felt summed me up pretty well, "She is a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes." 

My life: Blessed, so blessed! 

*If this hasn't helped you realize it, I am also not a one word type of gal.  The whole just-one-word thing is very hard for me.